only tonight , we tell ourselves ,
while the crickets chirp themselves silly
& the strobe lights , rainbow palette dripping
over the dance floor , our shoes slipping &
sliding until we crumple in each other’s
arms , spellbound & high off whatever
this is that calls itself love -
fuck , is love sometimes this unending
heartbeat , spasm against the speakers -
the throbbing all the way from our ankles
to our ears , burning red , making
every word this useless attempt at saying
stay here with me forever we can
make this stupid life immortal because
with you time becomes eternal just
stay just stay just stay -
long enough for me to bust this stone
shell open , golden ooze spilling out ,
my love , my shame , my head at
your feet , these dumb eyes marbling
their helpless adoration

hello , again . though this is the first
time we’ve met - something about you
familiar like i knew you’d have my heart
in tangles - the sweet voice dripping
from your lips - a laugh resin rose .
somehow again i felt those palpitations ,
& the little dancer in me cakewalking
the steps of my ribs , nudging ,
“ remember what love feels like ? ”
i didn’t say anything more , & i know
i didn’t admire you as long as i could’ve ,
but i savor the aftertaste - the kick i
needed to find hope in love & life again .

dishes clanging in the a.m. ,
porcelain armor in the humdrum of life
a little movement to quiet the soul
think yes , this is how we take care of
the little yet precious we have .
life is full of mystery , but the daily
chores become like secondary heartbeats ,
worker bees buzzing about the hive ,
ants backpacking crumbs to the hill .
so it’s mundane , but is it really ?
watch the sunlight splashing the room ,
your nimble fingers , every step in the
kitchen a humble dance , flurries
of the feet . breathe it in .
you’ve got dishes to clean , i.e. ,
you’ve got a home to burrow ,
food on the table , intimacy with god
& nature’s fruit , the rhythms of
mortality & human being .

pale yellow blocks of light , pixelated
bushes & roadways , gentle horns
snoozing & snazzing their lost-childhood
melodies . can you believe we’re here ?
hearts shedding their skins like fresh cut
grass - shavings billowing about , god’s
soft stiff hair , eyelash wishes & saliva
dreams , rowing away on the water .
take a breath . feel this moment - yes ,
there was pain before , but right now
i only feel contentment before the next
moment blurs over the previous .
this is home . we’ve found it , & isn’t
that at least part of all we’re looking for ?
so finger-twirl the little riffs that play on
your heart , let the piano be even grander ,
the universe is in your hand , orb turning
teardrop turning rain , kissing your
forehead , whispers of good luck &
the heavenly light in the dark .

miss you .
even when the days are long ,
the sun knows its place ,
god holds me nice & close
leaving cut fruit along the trail .

penalty shootouts rouse me
lightning glows up the sky
but when i put on those old songs ,
you’re here .

& i’m wondering where you are ,
why you haven’t gotten back to me ,
even though I’m happy .

there’s love all over -
so much love -
& i said i’d save the most for you ,
but these days keep passing
& that distant memory
becomes melted like sugar
on a tongue .

so maybe the space between us
is goodbye .
or ellipses …
goodbye - but it’s the dark stage
not the final curtain -
or some echoing encore ,
reverberating on & on & on …
unsure whether the lights
will come on once more .

a head on fire , young & touchless by
my hand - who am i to cast attraction to
this force of a voice , bellowing from their
gallows , ribcage roped , me trying to
resurrect this blaze , burning slow upon
my heart . there is love in this world yet -
even after soot turns blue & bloodied ,
ice veins pitter-pattering , snaking down
the shower drain , a little whirlpool of
plunged angst - yes - there is love in this
body yet - even with such a figure out
of my grasp , i believe i will feel it again .
i will know the catch in my throat , fingers
pushing through , around , against where
desire embers greatest , & the loop of
my soul coat hooked onto the curved
tongue , beauty that needs no words ,
only the name of unconditional - love .

samplings

/

sweaty under moonlight , purple floor ,
the moon’s cracked glass reflection in the
mirror

/

legend’s smooth voice playing
through the phone

/

dislocated shoulder
from breaking down at the light , speeding
from the atm , bills shaking in the seat ,
makeshift money booth

/

elves falling in
love with humans , stubborn , ubiquitous

/

dreams where i carry a new love , abused
but enamored , & i wake up drunk yet
brimming with light

there’s nothing left to say
it’s just a twenty-one-year-old boy
jammin’ to 2000s r&b ,
in the dark of the night , save
the neighborhood streetlights -
trying to still breathe , trying to
be tender & slow , trying to
trust despite it all -

collapse / relapse / like all those days / blew up in flames / untamed / refrain / from breaking out / into tears / caking out / on every day except the right one / & i’ll crawl back into those old songs / outrolled like throngs / ladder rungs / into the pits / of my stomach / unfit / one bit / to bite / two holes / bloody fangs / drip drip dripping / no record flipping / because there’s no music / without you / without me / without a choice to choose / a game to lose / just melting into this bed / swollen / unwhole / a cocoon to somehow / dig out / of

that dumb fly crashing into the window
the world too big for his eyes
the glass too fake , not a crystallized waterfall
some portal he cannot fathom
a mirror with a lost reflection -

while i keep this bed warm , my arms
draining , fizzling out , & tv voices
rattle the walls while i look for the next
much needed dosage of sleep ;
last night wasn’t enough .

scarecrow body , where’s the life ?
crows don’t fear me , but vultures scavenge
on my decomposing , too-young-to-be-old
carcass - how did i get myself here ?
how did god get me here ?

i thought the world would be at my feet ,
but it is , chewing them up , taking
more than i can give - so now i just waste
away , bones & skin battered decorations
in the thrift store dust , fading just so .

the sidewalk curb a gold strip , after the
flash summer rain , lighting up the trees
like blunts , musky , reeking of new grief ,
rusted nostalgia , the double-teaming of
mirror reflections when i think about who
used to sleep in this bed & who wakes up
now with nothing in his flesh but god’s
strong hands , wringing away yesterday ,
leaving indentations in the clay cage ,
rattling with this heart that won’t slow
down - not for a missed kiss , not for the
curve against the car , wheels streaking ,
screeching , names in cursive , written
with soot across the asphalt pavement .

summer’s halfway gone
another star’s dead
& these chips don’t deck like they used to -

we throw blankets over fire for fun
i blow you away like dandelions
& drift further away on this dry mouth

you don’t say a word -
you don’t even crackle
you don’t give me a reason to keep trying
& i don’t give myself one .

i worry all the ink will be illegible then .
you’ll have met a ghost of me
a former shadow
& i’ll tell you half the blood i bleed is
chronic anyway -

& someone’s heart will catch in their throat
the hitch before glass hits & shatters
& all the time we’ve spent apart
will collapse into one wavelength

a sonic boom -

knocking the wind out of every
reasonable lung

& then we’ll see which of us is
still alive after that

let the water pour down your throat ,
soothe the prickliness that summer &
dehydration’s deceptive lust has smeared
& sown into your gasping skin -

let the mother’s words roll down your back ,
ivy soon blooming into honeysuckle -
messages you shouldn’t trace the outlines of
or chew too hard when they nick your ears ,
just know she is a star trying to be known ,
trying to shed some light , & though you
may crave the darkness , at least
allow her this .

let your heart tumble a little - yes , we
are prisoners to our flesh , but how
wonderful to even have flesh -
maybe there’s something rotten in you ,
but everywhere else there is also budding -
sprigs of this love , & that awe ,
& some hunger for a good meal before
becoming another stitch in the cosmos
blanket once more .

let the piano play - let the ugliness dance -
let yourself be alone for one moment -
let forgiveness take over , rewiring the
electric in you , so that peace can
sleep quietly again - & wake you up
with tenderness , sweet shavings of
the sunrise , peach , tangerine , & the
subtlest hint of phoenix light .

prince charming looks back at me in
the mirror , but my head is throbbing ,
& the gray-brown of his eyes tries to
remind me of some handsomeness ,
some soon-to-be-king that could hold
a lover’s gaze , a job that pays enough
coins , a way for me to be steady when
i think the road has turned to river .

somehow the stars have fallen into
this cup , & they chip my teeth like
marble trying to become sculpture ,
& my heart forgets how to breathe
when the wind knocks , but leaves
nothing . i am groggy & lose god’s
number , but i’ll remember in the
morning , so for now i just need to
not suffocate over how hard the world
can be & the fear that i won’t make it .

just breathe . just breathe . i’ve made
it this far , & love will not leave me
without a leg to stand on , so let
me not juice this brain , or set poison
on the stove - so long as i get through
this night , i will find some other way
to survive . & the little cracks will try
to mend with honey as glue , melted
amour , welding something vaguely
sweet . & whatever i have will have
to be enough - & it will .

once you’ve known the prison guard’s whip ,
it’ll kill you to take a day off , to be bedridden ,
instead of bonded . the soft mattress ,
the heaviness in your limbs , you’ll wonder
why your soul hungers for more , though
your body has turned to stone .