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y’all… i’m so sad tonight

if i die tonight , know that i loved you until the end

give me something real / something to shoot to kill / i’m tired of all this dead weight / ’bout to cheat against fate / stop on the highway / find some mind safe / to lock away all this heartbreak / hearsay / bleeding crate / where my insides make this shape / of you / so god come through / show me what’s true / what’s a-brew / if there’s finally something new / to placate / this empty chest branded with her face

cancelled flights , cancelled calls -
somehow my heart is dripping down the
iron stake , & my stomach rumbles &
aches for nourishment as does my soul .
all i can think of is how i want to go home ,
how i wish home could be another body ,
how trying to escape the present moment
is best not to be fixated on nor the
desire ignored . somehow i need to find
peace in the distress , to swallow it whole
like some sour candy & do what i can
to ease & feel through the pain .
i want to love .
i want to be loved .
i want to stop running & go home ,
a real home .
i want to be free of these shackles of old
love , but i know doing so painlessly
would be denying my humanity .
so i toss & turn in the daylight ,
eyes stinging from sleeping few hours ,
& try somehow to hold on to this ache ,
this living loss , without drowning in it .

everyone’s looking for home .
a place to find peace , to be free ,
to know their heart is taken care of .
sometimes where we think should be home
isn’t so much - or maybe it’s just not as
nice as we wish .
we wish our families understood us better ,
we wish partners would tell us the truth ,
we wish a home is a warm fire ,
eyes grinning as the world whirls outside ,
but there is a small crack in the door
& now everything is a draft .
we’re searching for home ,
& someday we’ll find it .
someday the truth spills out easily ,
like honey , sweet , & love’s tongue is caked ,
protected from bitterness .
someday we won’t feel like running away ,
because this is where we belong -
loved , made an effort for ,
assured that tomorrow won’t be swept
away by a storm , & we won’t be left alone ,
vulnerable , grieving for a little
tenderness .

my pants don’t fit me anymore ,
& maybe neither do you .
but on these plane rides , looking out the window
into the endless expanse of blue & whipped
cream clouds - remembering that soon i’ll
have to return home , the summer grass
tickling the soles of my feet ,
the same lawns we used to call home -
i can’t help but think about you .
i wonder where you are , how you are -
i wonder if there will ever be a love that’ll
touch me as much again .
i wonder if i can ever let someone else
into my heart again , even while there is
still - & always will be - the hole of you
inside it .

five stanzas from a hot winter’s night

i.
soft warm breeze caresses your skin ,
floating in tune with the warmth of guitars ,
playing an old familiar song , one you lost
in a dream but now find whirling in your ears
as you awake from some blissful slumber .

ii.
old folks sit on lacquered wooden benches
by the water , a lone pelican stands out in
the undulating tide , & you are at last
once more young , free , the world at your
feet , but your footsteps trail only as far
as your heart will carry .

iii.
you don’t need to run anymore .
sink in . the wind is in your breath ,
the earth extensions of your feet ,
do you see that your life is merely
still frames flashing past ,
a film reel unwinding & unwinding
until all you have left are burning plastic
& silver - not as good as gold ,
but good enough .

iv.
you’re here . you can smell fried dough ,
crystalline sugar , hissing against hot metal -
& smoke billowing up into the night
as wild forest fires snake their way across
the mountain , leaving orange kindling behind ,
a dragon’s disintegrating breath .

v.
take care of yourself & this life .
each day will pass like melting frost on the
window & steam taking flight from a sauna -
so rest your heart easy ,
feed it well ,
& live , my love , live .

waves crash down on the shore ,
murky blue , black & mixing with the rain
pouring down . somehow we try to find god
in our wet pants , shivering teeth ,
shoes soaked to the bone .

the crowds are dark & heavy , as they cross
into the light , there is both hell & heaven
in this one patch of space -
the masses , they breathe , some livewired
into god’s phantom beating heart ,
while others seek some comfort ,
dripping , drenched , desolate .

in the restless despair vibrating through
the others , i close my eyes , & see how this
objectively sufferable moment is a
brief one of timelessness .

every moment is timeless when you are
living it , the universe has spun for eons for
this moment - an unfathomable stretch
in the fabric of existence .

there is god here . there is god everywhere .
god is in my atoms buzzing , yearning for
freedom , but there is no escape .
there is only surrender , giving in to the
terrible reality & forgiving to find this
higher-dimensional peace .

it sucks but it’s god .
it’s human but it’s god .
so let me just live this moment to moment ,
feeling the borders of physicality blurring ,
dissipating into everything & everywhere .

even as exhaustion seeps into my muscles ,
& my tongue turns leather from the heat
blowing through the apartment ,
i find a way to remain tender & patient ,
as my father gruels over tonight’s meal .
& this is because i know in the most
frustrating of times , it can be enough to
just have someone with you -
someone who doesn’t harp on the negative ,
someone who reminds you that life
is still worth it - not even explicitly ,
just feeling another’s presence silently
saying - i’m here with you ,
you don’t have to get it all right , &
whatever you can do is enough .

tragedy strikes around every corner -
uneaten takeout slumps in the car seat
while sirens flash red white & blue
as night descends on the city .
dinner won’t make it to the table tonight .
& though the unlucky street blows
hollow with unknown fate ,
windows still find a way to light up golden ,
as families gather once more ,
finding hearth & warmth , haven from
the bitter cold .
it’s never us until it is -
& it’s always them until it’s not .
so tonight i will thank god that i still got
to eat dinner with the ones i love ,
& pray for the souls who have lately grown
all too familiar with disaster .
thank you , god .
& may we all find our peace.

paintbrushes shuffle between hands ,
suitcases zip shut , the golden windows
become quiet & few , as the rustles of
hearts pack up & leave , on to
the next journey .

one man sits at his desk , eating his last
dinner , knowing by his next one
he will be with his family again ,
whom he hasn’t seen in months .

there is a hushed understanding that
something new is beginning , &
something old is ending -
even the leaves know they will be ground up
in the dirt , & be born again as flowers
in the coming spring .

it is always at the end of things that we
look back & remember where we’ve been .
& as i get older , the past grows longer .
all the faces blur , all the sounds
slip out of key , & even the present
moment turns over itself over & over .

where are you ? where am i ?
how much time will pass between
then & now , now & then ?
look where we’ve been , guess where
we’re going , but remember always
to find god where you are .
it is enough to be right here ,
right now .

love , it seems your spirit has moved out .
yes , there is a still a room in my heart
for you , painted just the right hue ,
with the softest bed , & your favorite
flowers on the sill .
but you’ve gone away -
my heart is now a rest stop , & no longer
an old hovel with your clothes & notes
scattered about , & wrinkled photographs
undecided on whether or not to fade .
you’re a welcome visitor though we
don’t speak much .
only now & then i feel your presence ,
but i know that’s all it is -
presence , & not physical reality .
that’s okay .
i hope one day you can come home for real ,
even though it won’t really be
you coming home , but me .
because seeing you again would be
forgiveness ,
& giving myself another chance
to let love in , & to let love out .